Using a personal narrative as an individual with PTSD to explore trauma research through the scope of art therapy and history.

The summer of my sophomore year of college I had an individual stalk and harass me and my family. It started out as weird calls and messages and progressively got more aggressive and terrifying. The individual sent detailed creepy letters to my parents about me and themselves. Sent gifts to our home that contained items similar to ones they had seen around my home the one time they were there. They attempted to plan their own “funeral” claiming that they had a heart condition they would soon die from. They sent invitations to all of my friends. They would show up to my friends’ work places, message them and my family, all attempts to reach me after I cut contact with them. In January of 2021 after a few months of not hearing anything, they returned in to my life after my family and I arrived back from a trip to Europe. This began the almost 2 year long process of courtroom brawls between myself and the individual to protect my safety. I applied for a temporary restraining order, but was initially denied because I was asked to recall the events without reading them out. I was unable to recall a majority of what happened because I had been traumatized by this individual. The justice claimed that I only proved they were a danger to themself, not me.

They then tried to sue me for my initial TPO application. Blamed me for medical bills that came from weird medical issues during this time period. They showed up at my parents house, sent threatening letters to them, had people and police showing up at my dorm. Bear in mind, I was 3,000 miles away while they were doing this. I had worked so hard to get to school on an athletic scholarship and was terrified they would do something that would ruin my life, as they were under the impression I was attempting to ruin theirs.

After the disgusting behavior received from this individual during their attempting to subpoena me, I applied again for a restraining order. This time, I won. I was granted a restraining order, which this individual later broke and was arrested for breaking. I was granted an extension of the civil order and granted a new criminal order over them. During this whole experience I had chronic anxiety attacks, would wake up screaming in my sleep, and lost a concerningly large amount of weight. I did not have an attorney, my legal team was myself and my parents.

In the spring of my Junior year I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Then and there I decided I would not be silenced or destroyed by this individual and would instead use my thesis to tell my story. I decided to embark on a thesis journey through using a dollhouse as a physical representation of psychological decay.

Through research and my creative process I learned there were thousands of other women just like me who went through similar experiences. My influences were artists Frida Kahlo, Tracy Emin, and Pilvi Tanaka for their vividly vulnerable personal works. All three artists use art as a platform to discuss as well as process terrible situations that happened to them. This is when my work went from being personal to a shared experience. My thesis consisted of seven rounds of critiques, and at every single one there was at least one individual who was emotionally responsive to my piece. I had multiple individuals come forward to tell me they shared similar experiences and that my work helped give a voice to those that were silenced. To this day I still struggle with having PTSD, regardless of the amount of therapeutic and psychiatric help I have received.

I used my work to not only discuss the instance that occurred which caused my own diagnosis, but also to create a space to continue a conversation on sexual and domestic violence.

I spent an entire year planning and creating this project. Each detail in the house represents a part of my experience. The vines throughout the home represented the negative results of extensive trauma festering within one’s brain. The TV’s represent the static feeling of having a chronic panic disorder that renders you incapacitated. There are images throughout the home that were either from my interactions with the individual, or pieces of art that I had to make to further process my piece. The posters inside the house were displayed in large print outside of it and around the gallery space. I titled it “Mind Rooms” and it had a double meaning. The first was that it was a dollhouse of rooms within a room (the gallery) that was within a larger room (the gallery building space). It also represented what it is like to work through PTSD while constantly forcing yourself to face it. Creating a larger piece that ultimately resulted in smaller pieces in order to work through the triggers and reactions that would arise from progress on it. Every time I sat down to work on it, the pit in my stomach would come back. I would cry as I pieced each little part together, and eventually through time the tears eventually subsided. I chose a dollhouse because I wanted to represent the feeling of loss of innocence, as mine was stripped and laid bare in the middle of a courtroom. Before this happened to me, I was a naive teenager. After, I became a woman who navigates this world through an entirely different lens. I truly have never felt the same since.

This work allowed me to grow not only as an individual, but also an artist. To this day this it is still the largest project I have ever taken on. It took me a year to finish from ideation to completion. I worked with a completely new medium and category of art (miniatures). I had never created a piece that held so much emotional depth, and I would not have gotten through my artistic or legal process if it weren’t for the help from my family and community.

For my gallery space, I decorated it with furniture and decorations that were prominent from my room during that period. My rug, flowers, dainty ornaments, books, and smaller pieces of media that held meaning to me.

When I presented this piece on the day of my exhibition I cried. As I write this description, I am tearing up. This is an experience that unfortunately stays with you for longer than you would ever hope for it to. I hope that my dollhouse can help show other individuals who have experienced something like me that you are not defined by your experience, and that things won’t be perfect but they will get better. Post-traumatic growth is truly fascinating and can only be achieved through perseverance. If you have gone through something traumatic and came out the other side a better, stronger person - I am proud of you. This world is merciless and only we can create the glimpses of what it means to be humane.